This is the first of a four-part article of my ranking of each teams keepers from worst to first. I had originally wanted to do this as one big article but my laptop blew up and writing this at work is more time consuming than I thought it would be. These ranking are strictly my opinion and are based on these factors: I give lots of weight to elite RB's and QB's, placing goes to a judgment call as to which squad I would rather have, I also relied heavily on the updated positional fantasy ranking on CBS Sportsline and give these rankings in parenthesis next to each player. Alot of these teams are very close so I have divvied them up into "tiers." This is my best guess as to who you will keep, if I am dead wrong on your team you can either keep it a secret or you can dispute it in the "comments" section. So without further ado here is the bottom three.
The Euthanasia All-Stars
Pull the plug already
12.) Platinum Playas, Manager- Mike McCain
QB- Ben Roethlisberger (14)
RB- Ryan Grant (19)
RB- Marshawn Lynch (15)
Dev- Fred Jackson (47)
On the Bubble: Eddie Royal (17), Antonio Bryant (21)
There’s no way to put this nicely, this team is in a state of irreversible disrepair and it’s all that bastard Brian Burke's fault, as he has performed “trade-rape” on Mike multiple times now. Mike, this isn’t your fault, but it’s time to realize that Brian doesn’t love you or care about you, he is just a monster that doesn’t care who he ruins on his way to the top, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Here at “The Rabble Rouser” we are starting group therapy sessions for victims of Brian’s rapes, and we hope Jon and Mike can come and share their stories, as painful as they might be.
Ben Roethlisberger is a straight up fantasy bust, Ryan Grant is well on his way, and to add insult to injury promising stud rookie WR Eddie Royal finished the season in a “firm kick to the nuts” 20th amongst wr’s, making him ineligible for developmental keeper status by a mere 1.8 points. Sorry Mike, rules is rules; I didn’t write em, Burke did. Are you sensing a pattern here? There is one bright spot on this team in Marshawn Lynch, although it’s never good when your best player pleads guilty to gun charges.
The Go Fish Division
Peter: “You got a RB1?”
Karl: “No, Go Fish.”
11.)
QB- Jay Cutler (5)
RB- Ronnie Brown (25)
WR- Larry Fitzgerald (1)
Dev- Donnie Avery (38)
On the Bubble: Wes Welker (12)
10.) Turd Burglers, Manager- Karl Augspurger
QB- Aaron Rodgers (6)
RB- Thomas Jones (17)
WR- Andre Johnson (2)
Dev- Jordy Nelson (NR)
On the Bubble: Cedric Benson (33), Jamal Lewis (36)
These teams are both in the same relative situations. Both have elite WR’s, impressive young QB’s, and pathetic excuses for RB1’s (I am assuming Thomas Jones comes crashing back to earth). I give the edge to Karl because Peter’s QB:
A.) Has Diabeetus
B.) Is a spokesperson for McDonald’s
C.) Is disliked by his fans and new coach
D.) Is likely to lose his best WR, Brandon “Chief Slapahoe”
Thats all for now, expect 9-7 in the next few days.
Please take Jon off the list "Teams Burke has Screwed." Last year Jon had my number. Jon and I took part in two trades of significance.
ReplyDeleteTrade #1:
Burke gives: D.Williams, J.Charles, C.Pennington
Jon gives: E.Manning
Trade #2:
Burke gives: C.Johnson, J.Cotchery
Jon gives: F.Gore
Jon blew me out of the water in trade #1. DWill went on to be the number 1 RB. JCharles is a decent developmental keeper. Last but not least, Pennington performed better then Eli last year.
In trade #2, at this point I would rather have Johnson then Gore. Jon wins another one.
In the words of Charles Barkley, "Turrrrriblee, just turrriblllee."
See I lose in trades too.
Unfortunately, things have not worked out well for Mike. The Big Ben trade didn't work out. I would like to also note that I did give a 1st rounder for Big Ben a mere week and a half before Roethlisgate '08, so by no means were my intentions to screw him. I obviously thought that is what his value was. That early in the season I feel Roethlisberger's stats from the 2007 season heavily affected trade talks.
-Burke
P.S. I'll be pissed if you somehow put your team ahead of mine in your power rankings.
P.P.S I really enjoyed your column. Good work.
Prepare to be "pissed" then. I give myself a slight edge over you because I have Tom "The Bomb" Brady and you have Chief Slapahoe instead of Warner. If your squad was Warner, MJD, Portis, and J-Stewart I would have had you in the #1 spot.
ReplyDeleteWhere is the rest of the rankings? I NEED this.
ReplyDelete