Tip O' the Hat, Wag O' the Finger

by Lloyd Kraus

Shit. Yes, that is the first word of this entire column, so don’t say that nobody ever warned you. Welcome one and all to “Tip O’ the Hat, Wag O’ the Finger,” a perspective that will be similar to “Cheers and Jeers” if you are familiar with TV Guide, or “Good Idea, Bad Idea” if you need an Animaniacs reference (Peter). Without further ado, let’s get to tipping and wagging:

Tip O’ the Hat to Brett for trade fucking the League’s Fuhrer. If 4 years in this league has taught us anything, it’s that our scoring system favors the strong qb, and Kurt Warner is definitely that for now. Shit, he was the 5th overall high scoring player this year and you got him for a second rounder. That’s like trading him for Lee fucking Evans. In all likelihood though, there was some consideration not mentioned in the trade announcement, like letting Brian blow you too. A mouth’s a mouth, right?

Wag O’ the Finger to Burke for getting trade fucked by The League’s village idiot. Brett is the most impossible manager to deal with and he will not agree to a trade unless it’s totally lopsided in his favor. If he even seems interested in an offer you make, then you are giving up way too much. You of all people should know this. And now your keeper status rides on Brandon Marshall not beating his girlfriend. I’d feel more confident betting on Brett giving up Totinos.

Tip O’ the Hat to Burke for accumulating so many draft picks, 4 in the first two rounds is it? You have officially fucked this league so hard and so many times that we love you and will let you get away with anything as long as you make us feel safe in your strong arms. And you do make us feel safe, until the draft. Then our asses start hurting.

Tip O’ the Hat to Karl for making it to the League Championship with that skeleton crew that VK drafted. Your good moves and good fortune took you far, and it also made me realize how much time I’m wasting researching for fantasy football. So this next season, while all you assholes are making your cheat sheets and running through your mock drafts, I’m going to be eating cheetohs and watching porn. Then at the draft, I’m going to hire a homeless guy to make my picks so I can sit in the other room, drink beer, eat cheetohs and watch porn. Time will tell who has the better season, but I promise you that I’ll have a more productive draft and just as good of chance of winning this thing as anyone.

Tip O’ the Hat to Burke for getting away with Roethlis-gate ’08, a scandal that rocked our league but has somehow gone unmentioned since its squirting-vaginaesqe climax last fall. If you recall, Brian had seduced Mike into giving him his first rounder for the once studly but now lowly Ben Roethlesberger. Once this trade was proposed, a small band of anonymous managers pipe bombed the deal bin-Laden style. After the shit storm that followed, Burke emerged with Mike’s 2nd pick and a great deal of resentment against the rogue managers. But in the end, Burke still managed to rip off another unsuspecting owner, as Ben “Knievel” Roethlesberger finished the season outside of the top 15 fantasy qbs and is pre-ranked outside the top 12 qbs next year.

Wag O’ the Finger to Jon and his high-value, half-assed playoff push at the end of the season. Being all but mathematically eliminated, Jon traded Dave his 2nd round pick and Plaxico Burress (pre-dumbfuck leg shooting) for Roddy White. The next week, Jon lost and was officially eliminated from playoff contention. The pick he traded away ended up being the 2.3 and an inside source reports that Roddy White will not be a part of “Passing the Pylon” or whatever retarded phrase his team is named this year. Even Jon’s dog can do that math. Also, a Tip O’ the Hat to Radcliffe for accepting that deal as fast as he could.

And finally, another Tip O’ the Hat to Radcliffe for winning it all. I think we should add another $10 to the league entry fee, and put an ad on Craigslist to buy a midget to wear a shock caller and carry around the champion’s trophy around behind him. Then, if anyone ever questioned Dave’s fantasy prowess, he could just press the shock button so that the midget jumped up and down with his trophy above his head. It would also be cool if he carried around a backpack with beer in it.


Lloyd Kraus is an original contributor to The Rabble Rouser and the manager of “BwettWuvsWittleBoys.” All opinions expressed in this column do reflect the opinion of this periodical and its affiliates.