The following is a transcript of the latest episode of The Drunk Tank, with High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry
High Five Harry: ... and that is why fantasy porn will never work. It'd be way too hard to keep score and there's just something gay about dudes watching porn together.
Low Blow Larry: I agree. Way too gay. On to the next topic. Who is the worst owner in The League?
High Five Harry: That's an interesting question Low Blow. I mean, gut reaction has to be Jon the California liberal or Brett the confused caveman. But it's hard to say if they are the actual worst managers or if they're just easy targets for the more mean-spirited but secretly insecure managers who are always giving them shit.
Low Blow Larry: Well Harry, I would think we would be the best to judge these guys. We’ve been watching the happenings of The League for four years now. We should be able to tell which of these twelve Summer’s Eve Douchebags is the stinkiest. Let’s break em down. Shall we start from bottom with the Last Place Loser’s Peter Healey?
High Five Harry: We shall.
Low Blow Larry: Peter really screwed the pooch in 2008. Howwwever, he snuck into the playoffs in 2006. It was an early exit, but there are many other owners who have not even come close to sniffing 4th place. Peter has the 4th place horse’s ass trophy on his mantle. No one can take that away from him. But was 2008 so bad that 2006 becomes a distant memory?
High Five Harry: And not only has he managed to tailspin his playoff contender team into a lower low than a guy who trains a chimpanzee to stick chestnuts up his ass (looking in Lloyd the orangutan’s direction), he's fucked next year too. Fitz is going to be the best player on his team, but can lightning really strike twice in Arizona? All people do there is rearrange the gravel in their front yards and unstick their balls from the inside of their legs. Cutler is set up for a bust bigger than Derek Anderson’s last year and Ronnie Brown... I think the Dolphin's opponents will have figured out the wildcat by then and that guy gets hurt more than a hooker who uses power tools for sex toys. You may be onto something Low Blow.
But in a room with so many elephants, how can we ignore the guy who scrubs their taints? Mr. Ben Findley, the self-proclaimed smartest guy in the room at every draft, but with finishes of 12, 12 and 8 the last 3 seasons.
Low Blow Larry: Gulp, I just threw up in my mouth. That happens quite a bit when I hear the name Al Davis…I mean Ben Findley. Findley sucks. 12, 12, and 8. That is all you gotta say High Five. His average finish has to be one of the worst in The League history. I don’t care if he finished 12 and 12 in back to back years because he threw games. What has he done with those awesome 1st round picks?
High Five Harry: He picked Adrian Peterson in 2007, right?
Low Blow Larry: Woooo, I’m the one who is supposed to hand out the Low Blows, High Five. Cold blooded. I believe our favorite Queer Pizza lover picked Thomas Jones that year. Then he turns around and gets D-Mac the next year. I know I want my first pick in the first round to be my next year’s developmental keeper pause NOT. If this guy isn’t the worst I don’t know who is.
High Five Harry: And don't forget that D-Mac was his first round pick last year, at 1.1. Think of everyone he passed over. And everyone makes fun of Brett for calling it a rebuilding year at the start of the draft when he picked up Reggie "my game is worse than smelling Karl’s mom's bush". Only the shittiest manager says that he "is going for it" and then drafts like he's going for it in 2012.
Low Blow Larry: Yeah, he's got no fucking idea. It doesn't matter though. All of the guys he drafts are on the waiver wire by week 3 anyway. No harm, no foul.
High Five Harry: He's bad, but what about DJ Floundizzle? A third grader who yells out quotes from that book everybody poops could come up with better names for a team. Passing the pylon? Wtf. Put me in coach! You’ve got to be shitting me. The only one that ever came close to the truth was nasty in the making. But then I read it again and realized he meant dynasty. Fail.
Low Blow Larry: Horrible team names. “Passing the pylon.” Why doesn’t he just call his team “Touchdown?” That’s bad, but not as bad as what this guy has done on the trade market. Going “all in” and being mathematically eliminated the next week is number one on the “Bonehead Moves of The League” hosted by Mario Lopez on VH1 this Saturday. But the guy does have a championship under his belt. The name is on the trophy. That is huge. His fall from grace has been epic. But he can’t be the worst; he’s got a ring.
What about Darth Vader? This guy is The League’s father (raspy voice), but owns the rights to at least seven of The League’s first-born children due to trades where he has kicked other owners square in the gonads.
High Five Harry: I guess it depends on what you mean by worst manager. He finishes strong every year, but he has the reputation of a fucking snake oil salesman. It doesn't matter, though. I think the whole things going to implode on him this year. If Brandon Marshall gets suspended he only has two legit keepers and my moneys on portis legs to fall off.
Low Blow Larry: Yeah, that guy needs to check his ego at the draft door this year for sure. But does being a prick make you the worst manager in the league?
High Five Harry: It might.
Low Blow Larry: With a heavyweight belt around his waste for the 2006 season it be tough to make that classification, but we’ve done odder things in The Drunk Tank.
Not much to say about James Dearman, except that he is stuck in “I make the playoffs every year but don’t have enough testicular fortitude to do anything when I get there” mode. What was up with the Addai trade? Addai sucks, but he could have gotten more for him.
High Five Harry: Yeah James is definitely the slutty bridesmaid of the league. Always a bridesmaid and gives it up for cheap even when he doesn't have to. But this isn't about who has the loosest asshole in our fantasy league. So let's move on to one of the favorites for the Worst Manager title - Brett (who also has the loosest asshole in our fantasy league since he has family sized shampoo bottles and way too much time on his hands)
Low Blow Larry: Geez High Five, this is a family station. With that said, you’re right. Brett aka Brettzky aka the Green Apple Shampoo lover is one of the weakest owners The League has. Reggie Bush sums up his ownership. Bush and Brett are a lot a like. Great physical specimens with rocks for brains. The one difference, Bush was promising coming out of college, while Brett’s team was a stillbirth. Definitely an option.
High Five Harry: Yeah I think it's a deadheat between Brett and Jon for worst team in the League. But I want to make some waves real quick. I think its possible that Radcliffe is the worse than both of those dickwads.
Low Blow Larry: Whoa there, High Five. Look at the scoreboard.
High Five Harry: I know I know. But you know what? If any of the other owners had 8 hours a day to research fantasy stuff, they'd probably be contenders too. i pray for the members of our air force every day because one of the guys that made their plane cares more about what sleeper rookie wide receivers then if the engine is screwed on. And if you put everyone on an equal playing field Radcliffe’s stock goes way down. And he's also neck and neck with Jon for the gayest name award.
Low Blow Larry: His name is highly gay. And before Purple Jesus he sucked. This guy shouldn't be put on a pedestal because he talked his little buddy into taking Thomas Jones.
There is a big case for Mike. This league is all about banter and shit talkin. He lacks in that department. Not to mention I get sympathy pains for that shit he calls a team.
High Five Harry: Yeah, I don't even know if I want to waste that much time talking about Mike because he won't read this anyway, and nothing we say ever seems to help. and it doesn't help that his "buddy" burke follows him around just waiting for another chance to fuck him in the ass.
And speaking of shit talkers, it's a shame we don't give points for that because then that big-mouth named Llyod would be the only person with his name on the trophy. but instead, he just spends the entire season writing checks with his mouth that his ass can't cash, and he has shitty finishes every year.
Low Blow Larry: Lloyd Kraus might be the worst owner in the history of fantasy football not just The League. Who blows up there team 3 week in and then try to make a run for it after the fact? Lloyd. Who makes drunk trades? Lloyd. Who has a sexual fixation with Brett? Lloyd. All that spells out WORST.
High Five Harry: Yeah Lloyd and Brett's sexual tension can make this league really awkward sometimes.
Low Blow Larry: But at least Lloyd drafts his own teams. Karl had to bring in a relief pitcher last year. I give credit to Karl's best finish to VK. Lets face it Karl got lucky. His team was bad last year. He didn't belong in the playoffs let alone the championship game.
High Five Harry: And Karl would tell you that it was his trades and not VK that won him the season. But everyone knows that's bullshit. If Karl was smart he would have bought a lotto ticket on the day he made it into the championship game, cause that's probably the best thing that's ever going to happen to him. You hear that Karl? It’s all downhill from hear. But enough about having a shitty start and ass lucking your way to the championship. Let's talk about having a shitty start and having a shitty season. Ladies and faggos, I give you Mr Sean Scogin.
Low Blow Larry: The beginners luck has worn off. He came out on fire and much like the hand jobs he offers this thing ended messy. He is destined to be in the middle of the pack forever. His podcast was great, but other than that he is nonexistent in regards to trash talkin.
High Five Harry: Sean lucked out when his keeping randy moss gamble worked out, but that's the only reason he won that year. Last year his true colors came out: keeping Whitten over reggie Wayne and his first round pick of none other than Julius Jones. End of story.
Low Blow Larry: I think the name DBagPoloHorses speaks for itself. Blayne is definitely in the running for worst owner. How do you not patch things together with one of the best fantasy football running backs in the history of fantasy football? Then his recent trades don't make much sense also. He won't see his name on the trophy anytime soon.
High Five Harry: Low Blow, I think you just sold me on Blayne. He's had the best keepers every year and not been able to put up anything around it. How can you have Brady and LT 2 years in a row and not even make a showing in the playoffs. Plus he just traded his best keeper away to Lloyd for chicken feed. He's a bigger dissapointment then settling for a hand job on prom night.
Low Blow Larry: An unorthodox pick, Blayne’s playoff blue balls seal the deal. Congrats Blayne, you’ve won The League’s Worst Owner Award.
High Five Harry: With that said we’re all out of time today. Tomorrow we’re on location with Marshawn Lynch at local Buffalo gun range. This is High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry saying keep it shitty League!
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