The following is a transcript of the latest episode of The Drunk Tank, with High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry...
Low Blow Larry: Well now that my extended hospital stay is out of the way we are back and better than ever. Thanks for visiting High Five.
High Five Harry: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at you the same way Low Blow.
Low Blow Larry: It was just inflamed! The infection went down after the fifth week.
High Five Harry: Just make sure you stay out of The Boom Boom Room from now on.
Low Blow Larry: Well a lot has gone down in the world of sports. Serena threatens to force feed a line judge, Tiger goes Low Blow Larry low in the golf tourney this weekend and Jake Delhomme’s arm is on the verge of falling off.
High Five Harry: We’ve missed a lot. Not to mention The League kicked off it’s season with their draft and first week of play recently.
Low Blow Larry: I caught a good portion of the coverage of the draft and WOW. What a bunch of boneheads.
High Five Harry: No shit. First but definitely least, Brett "The Cockgrabber" Johnston reached into his old bag of tricks and drafted Michael Crabtree... in the fifth round... before he had a backup running back.
Low Blow Larry: Don’t worry High Five. Brett snagged Sproles immediately after Crabtree. He has his bases covered. Another special ed draft from the chiseled one. Sometimes I feel like he likes giving The League a reason to make fun of him. How about the move Karl pulled on Burke. Classic. Sanchez was snagged right out from under him. Then Burke has to overpay to get him back. Sounds like Karl took a page out of Burke’s favorite book “How to Screw Your Friends in Fantasy Football.” Oh the irony!
High Five Harry: It was great getting to see the screws turned on Darth Burke for once. Jon took Warner and Karl took the jersey right of Burke's back. That's what you get fuckhead!
Low Blow Larry: Moving on. We had alot of action Week 1, starting with Ben Findley throwing his name in early for Worst Manager of the Year.
High Five Harry: I didn't want to be the one to fist the elephant in the room, but Ben might be the shittiest owner in this league. Willie Parker vs. Tennessee... Really? You think that's the best matchup?
Low Blow Larry: Yea, really. The self proclaimed “Best Team in the League” sure did take a giant steamer on the chest of his team in week 1. Those running backs of his are scary good. Steven Jackson scored three times the amount of points Willie did. That’s not saying much since Willie only racked up a deuce. This guy is on a long journey to the bottom of The League.
High Five Harry: Is it just me or does Lloyd’s team suck more than I originally thought it did?
Low Blow Larry: No, it isn’t just you. It’s me too. That guy’s team sucks. His team sounds like he picked from the CFL fantasy cheat sheet. Talk about mediocrity.
High Five Harry: If we’re talking about mediocrity, you gotta talk about Burke’s team. The perennial stud of The League will pull it out this week but his team blows. Cutler and his four INTs must have kept him up all night trying to find a way he can start Sanchez next week.
Low Blow Larry: Too bad his homer also sucks. But not as bad as California Flounder. At the draft Jon swooped in and took Warner to fuck with Burke. It was a noble effort, but it really bit him in the ass yesterday. Warner looked like shit. Romo looked good. Jon's team sucks again. Nice to know some things never change.
High Five Harry: Ah yes. I feel all warm inside when Jon’s team sucks. It makes me think of warm apple pie. It just feels right.
Low Blow Larry: A lot has gone on in this young season. Let’s wrap things up with our picks for the playoffs. I got Dearman, Radcliffe, Scogin, Karl, Peter and Burke, which leaves Findley and Lloyd in fantasy hell for what seems like the 19th year in a row. Who is your top six High Five?
High Five Harry: Shit, this is like picking the best VD to get from Karl's mom. Dearman as long as Brees stays healthy, Karl, Sean, Blayne, Burke and as much as we love to hate him, Flounder rounding out the top 6. Peter's fucked without McNabb, and I don't know if he can recover after 4-6 weeks without him. Lloyd and Brett will be fighting for the first draft pick next year. Findley will vanish into fantasy obscurity.
Low Blow Larry: With our picks in, that’s all the Drunk Tank has for today. We’ll be here more frequently throughout the season. Unless, High Five is a carrier for whatever I had over the summer. Until next time, keep it shitty League!
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