Larry and Harry Strike Again

The following is a transcript of the latest episode of The Drunk Tank, with High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry...

Low Blow Larry: Well now that my extended hospital stay is out of the way we are back and better than ever. Thanks for visiting High Five.

High Five Harry: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at you the same way Low Blow.

Low Blow Larry: It was just inflamed! The infection went down after the fifth week.

High Five Harry: Just make sure you stay out of The Boom Boom Room from now on.

Low Blow Larry: Well a lot has gone down in the world of sports. Serena threatens to force feed a line judge, Tiger goes Low Blow Larry low in the golf tourney this weekend and Jake Delhomme’s arm is on the verge of falling off.

High Five Harry: We’ve missed a lot. Not to mention The League kicked off it’s season with their draft and first week of play recently.

Low Blow Larry: I caught a good portion of the coverage of the draft and WOW. What a bunch of boneheads.

High Five Harry: No shit. First but definitely least, Brett "The Cockgrabber" Johnston reached into his old bag of tricks and drafted Michael Crabtree... in the fifth round... before he had a backup running back.

Low Blow Larry: Don’t worry High Five. Brett snagged Sproles immediately after Crabtree. He has his bases covered. Another special ed draft from the chiseled one. Sometimes I feel like he likes giving The League a reason to make fun of him. How about the move Karl pulled on Burke. Classic. Sanchez was snagged right out from under him. Then Burke has to overpay to get him back. Sounds like Karl took a page out of Burke’s favorite book “How to Screw Your Friends in Fantasy Football.” Oh the irony!

High Five Harry: It was great getting to see the screws turned on Darth Burke for once. Jon took Warner and Karl took the jersey right of Burke's back. That's what you get fuckhead!

Low Blow Larry: Moving on. We had alot of action Week 1, starting with Ben Findley throwing his name in early for Worst Manager of the Year.

High Five Harry: I didn't want to be the one to fist the elephant in the room, but Ben might be the shittiest owner in this league. Willie Parker vs. Tennessee... Really? You think that's the best matchup?

Low Blow Larry: Yea, really. The self proclaimed “Best Team in the League” sure did take a giant steamer on the chest of his team in week 1. Those running backs of his are scary good. Steven Jackson scored three times the amount of points Willie did. That’s not saying much since Willie only racked up a deuce. This guy is on a long journey to the bottom of The League.

High Five Harry: Is it just me or does Lloyd’s team suck more than I originally thought it did?

Low Blow Larry: No, it isn’t just you. It’s me too. That guy’s team sucks. His team sounds like he picked from the CFL fantasy cheat sheet. Talk about mediocrity.

High Five Harry: If we’re talking about mediocrity, you gotta talk about Burke’s team. The perennial stud of The League will pull it out this week but his team blows. Cutler and his four INTs must have kept him up all night trying to find a way he can start Sanchez next week.

Low Blow Larry: Too bad his homer also sucks. But not as bad as California Flounder. At the draft Jon swooped in and took Warner to fuck with Burke. It was a noble effort, but it really bit him in the ass yesterday. Warner looked like shit. Romo looked good. Jon's team sucks again. Nice to know some things never change.

High Five Harry: Ah yes. I feel all warm inside when Jon’s team sucks. It makes me think of warm apple pie. It just feels right.

Low Blow Larry: A lot has gone on in this young season. Let’s wrap things up with our picks for the playoffs. I got Dearman, Radcliffe, Scogin, Karl, Peter and Burke, which leaves Findley and Lloyd in fantasy hell for what seems like the 19th year in a row. Who is your top six High Five?

High Five Harry: Shit, this is like picking the best VD to get from Karl's mom. Dearman as long as Brees stays healthy, Karl, Sean, Blayne, Burke and as much as we love to hate him, Flounder rounding out the top 6. Peter's fucked without McNabb, and I don't know if he can recover after 4-6 weeks without him. Lloyd and Brett will be fighting for the first draft pick next year. Findley will vanish into fantasy obscurity.

Low Blow Larry: With our picks in, that’s all the Drunk Tank has for today. We’ll be here more frequently throughout the season. Unless, High Five is a carrier for whatever I had over the summer. Until next time, keep it shitty League!

The Commish's Corner

By: Brian Burke

Well, my mind is on football, so what better way to get those football juices out than a new blog post. In this installment of “The Commish’s Corner,” I will analyze a few situations around The League and give my take on some ballsy moves that could be made. Enjoy.

Team: Floundizzle

Owner: Jon Provost

Keepers: Tony Romo, Chris Johnson, Deangelo Williams, Anthony Gonzalez (Dev)

Situation: I’ve set Jon’s team up pretty nicely. You’re welcome Jon. Romo, Johnson and Williams have all been acquired from the SBSR within the last two seasons. Jon has great keepers but really screwed himself in his poorly calculated last ditch effort to make the playoffs. Zero picks in the 2nd and 3rd round are going to kill the depth on his awesomely named team. Ballsy Burke Move: Deal one of the stud RBs for some help in the draft. Flounder has the luxury of having another keeper worthy player riding the Floundizzle pine in the young stud WR Roddy White. Keep Roddy, Romo and Cjohnson, while shipping DWill to Lloyd for a first rounder and a later pick. With two first rounders, Flounder could snag the top two RBs on the board at his picks. He’d end up with a team that starts out with Romo, Cjohnson, J.Addai, R.Bush, and Roddy White. Not as sexy as the Dwill Cjohnson RB combo, but depth will get you far in The League. High risk. High reward.

What he will most likely do: He’ll forget about the draft until I call him ten minutes before to set him up live via satellite. He’ll proceed to have his dog pick the best WR on the board with 1.3.

Team: BwettWuvsWittleBoys

Owner: Lloyd Kraus

Keepers: P.Rivers, K.Smith, M.Lynch, R.Mendenhall (Dev)

Situation: Well, I don’t have the time to write down everything Lloyd has done this off-season, but he recently helped his situation drastically by snagging Kevin Smith. Lloyd was stranded on bad RB Island. Now he has a young up and coming RB to pair with a great QB and a head case in Lynch.

Ballsy Burke Move: Deal Mendenhall to Mike for Fred Jackson. I don’t trust Lynch at all. You have to cover yourself for those 3 games Lynch is out for. Not to mention I was more impressed with Fred Jackson last year in his time movin and grovin all over the tundra that is Buffalo. Also, snag Dwill from Jon for a first. End up with Rivers, K.Smith, Dwill, Lynch, F.Jackson and most likely B.Marshall after the first round. Lloyd won’t like this because it hurts his depth in other places. But aren’t those RBs making your fantasy pants go crazy?

What he will most likely do: His head explodes from his bar preparation, and we have to find a new member of The League. Jon’s dog wants to branch out from the Floundizzle umbrella. Maybe he can be our twelfth. Lloyd goes Roddy, Bmarsh and W.Parker with his unprecedented three picks in the first round. He creates a deep but lackluster squad. I can speculate Lloyd’s picks since no one can really affect his draft. He owns 60% of the first five picks.

Team: Turd Burglers

Owner: Kral Augspurger

Keepers: A.Rodgers, T.Jones, A.Johnson, Dev?

Situation: Kral has been pretty quiet this off-season. As a matter of fact, he is only on record to have made one trade the entire 2008 season. Coming off of a strong 2008 showing, his team has some bright spots in Rodgers and A.Johnson, but his RBs will ultimately be weak this year with T.Jones and a RB picked in the late first round. T.Jones was great last year but, at 31, the cards are stacked against him. As a Jets fan, it will be heartbreaking to watch Thomas Jones and his beast arms slide back down the fantasy ladder. There won’t be much there at 1.11 in regards to a RB. Trust me. I’ve mocked.

Ballsy Burke Move: Move Andre Johnson. One of the top WRs comes with a big price tag, so Kral would need to look for another owner with some studs at the RB spot. It would be tough to pull off at this stage in the off-season. He probably could have been done it earlier in the summer before everyone’s pieces were in place. Maybe a Marion Barber for AJ trade makes sense. Findley can move Dmac into the starting spot and have a stud WR to go with that stacked set of keepers. Barber makes Kral’s RB core much more formidable and allows him to use his first round pick for a position with much better value at 1.11.

What he will most likely do: At this point, I think his hands are tied, but he’s probably into that sort of thing. You sicko. He’ll play it safe and won’t rock the boat.

Team: Tron Special 63

Owner: David Radcliffe

Keepers: A.Peterson, B.Westbrook, A.Boldin, S.Breaston (Dev)

Situation: The champ snuggles with his championship bobble head in one arm and The League trophy in the other, but he should not rest so soundly. A cloud of impending doom is about to swallow the blue skies over his precious pergola. Westbrook equals Shawn Alexander. ‘Nough said. Make some moves already. Do you really want to own the horse when they have to shoot him on the field? Your lack of wheeling and dealing this off-season has sickened me. You deal S.Smith to Lloyd, but Lloyd’s like the village bicycle. Everyone has had a turn this summer. Ballsy Burke move: Not really sure. Hopefully Peterson can play in both Minn and Philly. He can wear Westy’s jersey. I really got nothing here. I just wanted to put doubt in the Champ’s head.

What he’ll most likely do: Draft 14 rookie WRs.

3 Round Mock Draft

1.1- Lloyd: Roddy White

1.2- Lloyd: Brandon Marshall

1.3- Jon: Terrell Owens

1.4- Mike: Larry Johnson

1.5- Lloyd: Willie Parker

1.6- Sean: Reggie Bush

1.7- Brett: Roy Williams

1.8- Brian: Derrick Ward

1.9- James: Dwayne Bowe

1.10- Brian: TJ Houshmanzadeh

1.11- Karl: Knowshon Moreno

1.12- David: Wes Welker
2.1- Brett: Jason Witten
2.2- Blayne: Donovan McNabb

2.3- David: Chris "Beanie" Wells

2.4- Peter: Braylon Edwards
2.5- Ben: Chad Ochocinco
2.6- Sean: Vincent Jackson
2.7- Brian: Matt Ryan
2.8- Blayne: Antonio Gates
2.9- Brian: Antonio Bryant
2.10- Peter: Jay Cutler
2.11- Karl: Bernard Berrian
2.12- Ben: Lee Evans
3.1- Mike: Eddie Royal
3.2- Ben: Tony Gonzalez
3.3- Peter: Joseph Addai
3.4- Mike: Lendale White
3.5- Ben: Hines Ward
3.6- Sean: Dallas Clark
3.7- Brett: Cedric Benson
3.8- Brett: Santonio Holmes
3.9- James: Jamal Lewis
3.10- David: Carson Palmer
3.11- Lloyd: Kevin Walter
3.12- David: Donald Driver

The Name Game

As far as fantasy leagues go I'd have to say we have one of the best in all of the interwebs. Hell, we are a twelve-team keeper league that has: literally zero manager turnover, a top-notch commish, proactive voting & rule changes, witty & spirited banter, active and competitive owners, year-round trade activity, a first-class draft party with punch & pie, a big shiny trophy, bragging rights that mean something, shit, we even have a blog! But there's one area where we fall far below par and need to step it up if we ever want to win that elusive "Fantasy Football Buc Cup." That area is "Team Names."

To take the next step into the fantasy elite our league should be brimming with names that are funny, punny, topical, and tasteless. Taking a look at our league this morning I see only two that jump out at me (Chillin N' Sex & Turd Burglers). We should have team names like: Vick in a Box, Turner & Housh, Forgetting Brandon Marshall, 2 Mannings 1 Cup, & Wunderlich My Balls. Now, I know some of you have had your team name from the beginning and if it's an important part of your franchise's history please disregard my comments, and if you like your team's name just fine AGAIN please disregard my comments. But, if you're not quite happy with your moniker and think it's time for a change before next season check out http://fantasyteamnames.net/ to get you thinking on the right track.

With Love,

Ben Findley

Owner/ Operator

The Terrible Towelies

ESPN.com Fantasy Nerd Ranks "The League"

By Ben Findley

After listening to grumblings of owners who were unhappy with my ranking of their team in my latest Keeper Power Rankings (cough, Blayne, cough) I decided to go after an unbiased and professional opinion. I contacted the ESPN.com Fantasy Answer Guys today (all it takes is an insider subscription) and here is their response:

Thanks for contacting The Answer Guys.

With QB TD's running at 6pts, that gives QBs an extra boost. Here's how I would rank the group, accounting for QB scoring and my eternal quest to have top notch RBs:

1st-Tom Brady, Steven Jackson, Marion Barber (Darren McFadden)

2nd-Drew Brees, Michael Turner, Reggie Wayne (JaMarcus Russel)

3rd-Kurt Warner, Brandon Jacobs, Calvin Johnson (Pierre Thomas)

4th-Tony Romo, Dengelo Williams, Chris Johnson (Anthony Gonzales)

5th-Adrian Peterson, Brian Westbrook, Anquan Boldin, (Steve Breaston)

6th-Peyton Manning, Matt Forte, Randy Moss (Devin Thomas)

7th-Aaron Rodgers, Thomas Jones, Andre Johnson (Jordy Nelson)

8th-Steve Slaton, Ronnie Brown, Larry Fitzgerald (Donnie Avery)

9th-Frank Gore, LaDanian Tomlinson, Greg Jennings (DeSean Jackson)

10th-Maurice Jones-Drew, Clinton Portis, Kevin Smith (Jonathan Stewart)

11th-Phillip Rivers, Marshawn Lynch, Steve Smith (Rashard Mendenhall)

12th-Matt Schaub, Ryan Grant, Marques Colston, (Fred Jackson)

Of course, this is a subjective ranking, to my own personal tastes onhow I'd want to build my team, and assuming that you don't have PPR as ascoring feature since you didn't say so.

-Dave Hunter

KEEPER POWER RANKINGS DELUXE

By Ben Findley

In honor of me waking up before noon today I have decided to finish up the Keeper Power Rankings. Same structure as before, enjoy.

The "Kiss the Rings, Bitch!" Division

Gots to pay the respects to the King

1.) The Tron Special: David Radcliffe

RB- Adrian Peterson (1)

RB- Brian Westbrook (7)

WR- Anquan Boldin (7)

Dev- Tim Hightower (31) OR Steve Breaston (30)

The champs are back and whats not to like?

The "Barbie Doll" Division

Sexxxxy teams with no holes to fill

2.) Cincinatti Felons: James Dearman

QB- Drew Brees (1)

RB- Michael Turner (2)

WR- Reggie Wayne (5)

Dev- Jamarcus Russel (30)

3.) Assless Chaps: Sean Scogin

QB- Peyton Manning (2)

RB- Matt Forte (5)

WR- Randy Moss (4)

Dev- Devin Thomas (74)

Elite top five talent at every position. It would be nice if either of them had a developmental keeper worth half a shit but what are you gonna do?

The "Lego" Division
These teams are STACKED
4.) Passing the Pylon: Jon Provost

QB- Tony Romo (7)

RB- Deangelo Williams (4)

RB- Chris Johnson (7)

Dev- Anthony Gonzales (35)

5.) Tom Brady and the Tacklebreakers: Ben Findley

QB- Tom Brady (3)

RB- Marion Barber (10)

RB- Stephon Jackson (11)

Dev- Darren McFadden (22)

They might not be as sexy as the "Barbies" but these teams have laid the foundations to make a championship run. Elite QB + Top Ten RB's + a Quality Dev = Championshiiiiiip. Lock it up.

The "Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse" Division

6.) Super Bowl Sex Romp: Brian Burke

RB- Maurice Jones-Drew (3)

RB- Clinton Portis (12)

RB- Kevin Smith (18)

Dev- Jonathan Stewart (28)

On The Bubble- Brandon Marshall(11)

Bucking convention Burke gets his RB depth early and will worry about the rest later, and it's just crazy enough to work! There's rumblings that Brandon Marhall might not get suspended but even if he doesnt the loss of Cutler has caused enough of a stock drop that Burke should stay the course with his RB's.

The "Too Many Dicks" Division
These teams all look like playoff contenders, but there's only 6 spots on the bus...

7a.) DBagPolo Horses: Blayne Rhynsburger
RB- Frank Gore (6)

RB- LaDanian Tomlinson (13)

WR- Greg Jennings (6)
Dev- Ahmad Bradshaw (43)
7b.) I Got Bush: Brett Johnston

QB- Kurt Warner (6)

RB- Brandon Jacobs (14)

WR- Calvin Johnson (3)

Dev- Pierre Thomas (15)

Brett is gonna be holding his breath to see if the Saints draft Beanie Wells or not...

7c.) BrettWuvsWittleBoys: Lloyd Kraus

QB- Phillip Rivers (4)

RB- Marshawn Lynch (20)

WR- Steve Smith (8)

Dev- Rashard Mendenhall (45)

On The Bubble- Joseph Addai (16), Willie Parker (24)

With the top of the first round locked up expect this team to shoot up the post-draft power rankings.

7d.) First Place Losers: Peter Healey

RB- Steve Slaton (8)

RB- Ronnie Brown (21)

WR- Larry Fitzgerald (1)

Dev- Donnie Avery (37)

On The Bubble: Jay Cutler (11)

With Jay Cutlers stock dropping Peter would be smart to stick with Ronnie B. here because RB's are going to be slim pickins in the draft & Jay Cutler or a QB like him will be there in the 2nd.

The "VETO" Division

11.) Turd Burglers: Karl Augspurger

QB- Aaron Rodgers (5)

RB- Thomas Jones (17)

WR- Andre Johnson (2)

Dev- Jordy Nelson (NR)

RB1 is still Thomas Jones...

The "Thanks for the free money, bitch!" Division

12.) Platinum Players: Mike McCain

QB- Ben Roethlisberger (14)

WR- Marques Colston (11)

RB- Ryan Grant (19)

On The Bubble: Antonio Bryant (19)

Who is High Five Harry?

By Ben Findley

After reading over "The Drunk Tank" articles a few times I have to say that they are pretty well done and I still have no idea who is writing them. So 'Bravo' to you whoever you are. Though I have a "Usual Suspects" list. So I've decided to take odds on who is writing these. As an incentive for the culprit to come forward I will give him the full house take on all bets (though any bets made by him or any suspected collusion bets are disqualified). I will take bets through the week.

ODDS:

Sean 1/3

Brian 6/5

Lloyd 5/2

James 4/1

Blayne 5/1

Peter 6/1

David 7/1

Karl 7/1

Brett 12/1

Jon 15/1

Mike 20/1

Ben 100/1

-Max Bet $20

-Leave your Bets in the comments section

-All Bets considered Binding once culprit is considered to be generally accepted "common knowledge"

-Culprit must answer some impromtu questions from me "Holy Grail style" including but not limited to, "What is your favorite color?" and "What is your quest?"

Mock Draft Version Numero Uno

By Ben Findley

I am back bitches. After a few weeks without a laptop I am fully operational and ready to waste many, many hours on this blog. My apologies to all who sent me articles on the lagtime it took me to post, I will be creating logins for all regular contributors this week so be on the lookout for that. Also, with all the action happening lately I have decided to scrap my original "Keeper Power Rankings" and start it up again from scratch and it should be out in a week or so. But just because I am itching to put something out and it shouldn't be as time consuming as the rankings I am going to mock out the first round. Enjoy.

1.1 Lloyd- WR Steve Smith

1.2 Lloyd- RB Kevin Smith

Meet the Smiths. Lloyd takes best availble WR and does the smart thing in solidifying his RB core in what is shaping up to be a relatively shallow RB draft. There's always the outside chance that Lloyd gets a little drunky and his homerism gets the best of him and he goes Reggie Bush here.

1.3 Jon- WR Roddy White

"Reunited and it feels so goooood."

1.4 Mike- RB Reggie Bush

Mike is the wild card pick in my eyes. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the Platinum Playa Camp but my guess is he needs a RB and is willing to take a shot on a big name like Reggie. Terrell Owens or Derrick Ward are also distinct possibilites here.

1.5 Ben- WR Dwayne Bowe

"Who wants a piece of D-Bowe!?!?"

A bit of a reach here for a WR1 but he is: getting a stable QB situation for the first time in his career, getting a new coach in Todd Haley who loves to air it out, is a physical beast, and is entering his 3rd year which is historically when WR's finally start to "get it."

1.6 Sean- RB Derrick Ward

Sean can get a solid RB2 in Ward, and lets face it; compared to his pick of OrangeJulius Jones last year the pick of Ward is a slam dunk.

1.7 Brett- WR Wes Welker

With the RB's left on the board Brett would be smart to take the best available WR here and pickup a RB with his 2.1. Welker (reunited with Brady) fits the bill and feeds Bretzky's Pats homerism to boot.

1.8 Brian- WR Terrell Owens

Yeah, yeah, I know T.O. doesn't seem like your typical SBSR pick. But hear me out: T.O. is the perfect pick here for Brian, T.O. will be in his "honeymoon period" for the first half of the season with the Bills. The sun will be shining and Trent Edwards will be feeding him the rock like crazy... Then just when ESPN is in full swing with the "Has T.O. finally turned a new leaf?" stories Brian will trick one of us into trading a couple of our slumping stars to him on the cheap for the newly minted T.O. and then all the dominoes will fall neatly into place.

Over the next few weeks T.O. starts bitching about how "Trent Edwards couldn't sniff Jeff Garcia's jock even though he would probably like to because he's gay," and it starts getting BRUTALLY cold in Buffalo and he starts dropping the frozen ducks that Edwards throws him like he's borrowed Braylon Edwards Lobster Claws for the year. Lee Evans sucker punches him "Steve Smith Style" in practice. Then it all ends with a season ending knee injury(real or faked, doesn't matter).

YOU'VE ALL BEEN WARNED.

1.9 James- RB Ronnie Brown

One mans trash... Brown is a young stud with a ton of upside in a run-heavy O, he should also get a ton of goal-line carries considering his size and Ricky Williams age. He should make for a great RB2 on James squad.

1.10 Brian- QB Matt Schaub

Yes this is a bit of a reach for Schaub, but I don't see alot of players on the board here that would get Brian wet. Brian is high on Schaub and if he doesn't take him here there's a strong possibility that he won't be around for his next pick at 2.7.

1.11 Kral- RB Chris "Beanie" Wells

Or whichever rookie RB lands in the best situation. Kral needs some youth at RB and this gets it done, also it seems unlikely that we would have a first round without a rookie RB getting picked- Hope springs eternal.

1.12 David- QB Donovan McNabb

Sentimental pick here. Radcliffe reunites with the QB who helped lead the Tron franchise to their first championshiiiiip.

The Drunk Tank

The following is a transcript of the latest episode of The Drunk Tank, with High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry...

Low Blow Larry: …and that is why his hands always have blisters on them. Karl be nassstyy.

High Five Harry: That is the grossest thing I’ve ever heard. What else is on the agenda today?

Low Blow Larry: Well The League had their first three way trade last week.

High Five Harry: Yea, that was hot.

Low Blow Larry: Ah ok.

High Five Harry: What? It was.

Low Blow Larry: The trade sent Marshawn Lynch and 1.1 to Lloyd, Peter received 2.10 and Steve Slaton and Mike received 3.1, 5.12 and Marques Colston. Who is the winner in this deal?

High Five Harry: Well Darth Vader wins again.

Low Blow Larry: Whoa High Five Burke the Bitch wasn’t involved in this one.

High Five Harry: Yea I know. I’m talking about Lloyd. He’s been ripping people off all off-season. First he face raped Blayne for Phillip Rivers and now this.

Low Blow Larry: I don’t think he puts the screws to ‘em that bad High Five. Peter gets Slaton. Mike gets a bunch of picks and a top ten WR. Mikes team couldn’t survive the headache that Lynch’s suspension could cause.

High Five Harry: Mike got dooped. Lynch is a young stud RB. You NEVER deal one of those. Llyod is a young Anakin and I'm sure Brian Vader is happy to sit back and let Lloyd take some of the League's bitterness for a while.

Low Blow Larry: C'mon High Five it wasn't that bad. We've seen a lot worse.

High Five Harry: When? Mike completely fucked himself and Peter isn't doing nearly as well as he thinks he is. He traded the FIRST PICK OF THE DRAFT for the running back for the Houston "we'll find a way to fuck you if you trust us" Texans. Who is due for a sophomore slump. Who will be splitting carries if the Texans draft a good RB in the draft.

Low Blow Larry: Are we forgetting that Lloyd traded for a gun touting suspension waiting to happen? Everyone took some risk in this deal accept Mike.

High Five Harry: Oh c’mon.

Low Blow Larry: Mike essentially has ¼ of Drew Brees on his team now. I would take that any day.

High Five Harry: Bullshit. He traded a low 2nd high 3rd tier receiver and a couple middle round draft picks for a running back that will finish Top 10 this year. Even if he's suspended two games. And did I mention that Lloyd has the first two picks of the draft this year?

Low Blow Larry: Well, it could be worse. Lloyd will probably just fuck it up.

High Five Harry: That's not the point. Lloyd basically took a shit on two managers and they gave him back a stud running back and the best pick in the draft.

Low Blow Larry: I think you're overrating Marshawn. How many times do I have to tell you he's getting suspended? He won't get to use him in the beginning and who knows how long after that. I think Lloyd got seduced by the 1st overall pick and then Mike and Peter gangbanged him.

High Five Harry: Maybe. But if you just look at it now Llyod pulled off the most rediculus trade in League history.

Low Blow Larry: Well at this point what’s done is done. It effects the draft in a big way though. One owner with the top two picks. A first for The League. I’m sure Lloyd screws it though. You know he'll pull a Findley and taking Michael Crabtree.
High Five Harry: Whatever. So to wrap it up Mike is fucked, Peter is fucked and he doesn't know it, and The League needs to be put on notice that a new evil is among them and Lloyd will fuck them in the ass while their hiding from Burke. Oh and by the way now Lloyd owns the first round of the draft. Way to go assholes.

Low Blow Larry: This is High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry from the Drunk Tank hoping you'll tune us in next time. Until then, keep it shitty League!

TFS: The League

By Brian Burke

This installment of "TFS: The League" begins with a humorous quote from The League’s message board. This post comes from Brett Johnston in response to normal banter between Brett and Lloyd Kraus.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awards December 12 11:55 pm

by: bretzky55 (Down with HR4411)

After 5 seasons we will see who has won more money...

After four years of The League: Lloyd: $0 Brett: $0. You both are lighting it up.

Trades. Where fantasy owners get to feel like NFL GMs. Where Lloyd screws up his team in week 4. Where Brett is impossible to deal with. The next few chapters of “TFS: The League” will describe the humorous, historic and sometimes horrifying trades that have shaped the landscape of The League.

Pointless Trade Award: In 2007, there were only a few owners who needed quarterbacks in the draft. Owners Brett Johnston and Jon Provost found themselves picking their quarterbacks in the 5th round back to back. Brett chose the 2006 NFL Rookie of the Year Vince “Bringin it back to Austin Babbby” Young, and with the next pick Provost selected Jon Kitna. Midway through the 2007 season, these owners swapped these two players. No draft picks were included. No other players were included. The only things that changed hands were two weak fantasy quarterbacks.

A Modest Proposal

By Lloyd Kraus

It’s been a busy off-season, but a relatively quiet one until a trade involving myself, Mike and Peter came down the pipes. There was opposition from the usual suspects and once again, a veto was put forward and seconded. And if the vetoers had actually tried instead of finger-banging one another in Vegas, the trade probably would have been vetoed because they only needed 2 more votes.

Gentleman, this is fucked up. Our system is broken and for too long we’ve sat idly by blaming the dysfunction on the website we use. In the following post, I humbly propose a cure for our ailing trade procedure.

First, let’s dismiss an extreme option. There are some leagues that have lasseiz faire, no- trade-veto policy; any deal made is not debatable and automatically goes through. This works for a redraft league, in that a “bad” trade has no true long-term consequences. After the season is over, all the players are released back into the pool, and although there may be some bitterness from that season, the overall league well does not stay poisoned. In contrast, because our league has 3 keepers and a glorious tradition of year round trades, it is much more complex than a simple league, and consequently, a bad trade can have negative effects that can last for years, not just one season. For this reason, and the general distrust some of us have for certain managers, I think a trade veto is a necessary evil in our league.

However, I think we can (and have) all agree that 4 is way too small a number to veto a trade. Everything else decided in this league is done by a majority and there is no reason for trades to be different. I think a safe number is six, in that you take the two traders out of the equation which leaves 10 managers, and six is a majority of those remaining managers. Or you could say every manager gets a vote and tie goes to the vetoers. And if you wanted at tie to go to the traders, you could even make the majority seven. Either way, six or seven is much more palatable than four, and it provides greater freedom in trades while still reserving a kill switch those trades that shock the conscience.

The only real question is how to implement this new system. Let’s assume for the sake of argument that changing websites is not possible. We have that discussion every year and Yahoo always ends up being our best option. Let’s also assume that there is no way to change the votes needed to veto a trade, that is, it is still four. Based on this likely scenario, we could either have a mass e-mail chain for every vote, or we could have a receiver who each person in the league sends their vote to after a veto vote has been called. The latter option is much simpler and avoids that e-mail clusterfuck that starts fun but then turns out bitchier than the alumni listserve.

It makes sense for that receiver to be the Commish because we already do the same kind of thing when we send him our keeper picks. Granted, there has been a demand for vote “anonymity,” that is, that Yahoo allows people to vote against a trade without anyone knowing who voted against the trade or why they voted that way. However, Brian would be sworn to the same secrecy that he is for the keeper deadline, and you wouldn’t have to send him anything besides an e-mail that said “yes” or “no”. Or you could just make up a fake name like Ben did and send it to him that way. And at the end of the day, are we really such big of poons that we can’t at least tell someone to their face that you’re voting against their trade?

So that is my modest proposal gents. A 6 vote majority with a receiver, Brian being the most obvious choice, to act as trustee for the votes. If ya’ll agree with me, we should put a vote together and get this stupid rule changed. And yes this was long, but I wrote this while procrastinating on a paper and watching the tournament so fuck you.

The Drunk Tank

Introducing The Drunk Tank with High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry

The following is a transcript of the latest episode of The Drunk Tank, with High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry

High Five Harry: ... and that is why fantasy porn will never work. It'd be way too hard to keep score and there's just something gay about dudes watching porn together.

Low Blow Larry: I agree. Way too gay. On to the next topic. Who is the worst owner in The League?

High Five Harry: That's an interesting question Low Blow. I mean, gut reaction has to be Jon the California liberal or Brett the confused caveman. But it's hard to say if they are the actual worst managers or if they're just easy targets for the more mean-spirited but secretly insecure managers who are always giving them shit.

Low Blow Larry: Well Harry, I would think we would be the best to judge these guys. We’ve been watching the happenings of The League for four years now. We should be able to tell which of these twelve Summer’s Eve Douchebags is the stinkiest. Let’s break em down. Shall we start from bottom with the Last Place Loser’s Peter Healey?

High Five Harry: We shall.

Low Blow Larry: Peter really screwed the pooch in 2008. Howwwever, he snuck into the playoffs in 2006. It was an early exit, but there are many other owners who have not even come close to sniffing 4th place. Peter has the 4th place horse’s ass trophy on his mantle. No one can take that away from him. But was 2008 so bad that 2006 becomes a distant memory?

High Five Harry: And not only has he managed to tailspin his playoff contender team into a lower low than a guy who trains a chimpanzee to stick chestnuts up his ass (looking in Lloyd the orangutan’s direction), he's fucked next year too. Fitz is going to be the best player on his team, but can lightning really strike twice in Arizona? All people do there is rearrange the gravel in their front yards and unstick their balls from the inside of their legs. Cutler is set up for a bust bigger than Derek Anderson’s last year and Ronnie Brown... I think the Dolphin's opponents will have figured out the wildcat by then and that guy gets hurt more than a hooker who uses power tools for sex toys. You may be onto something Low Blow.

But in a room with so many elephants, how can we ignore the guy who scrubs their taints? Mr. Ben Findley, the self-proclaimed smartest guy in the room at every draft, but with finishes of 12, 12 and 8 the last 3 seasons.

Low Blow Larry: Gulp, I just threw up in my mouth. That happens quite a bit when I hear the name Al Davis…I mean Ben Findley. Findley sucks. 12, 12, and 8. That is all you gotta say High Five. His average finish has to be one of the worst in The League history. I don’t care if he finished 12 and 12 in back to back years because he threw games. What has he done with those awesome 1st round picks?

High Five Harry: He picked Adrian Peterson in 2007, right?

Low Blow Larry: Woooo, I’m the one who is supposed to hand out the Low Blows, High Five. Cold blooded. I believe our favorite Queer Pizza lover picked Thomas Jones that year. Then he turns around and gets D-Mac the next year. I know I want my first pick in the first round to be my next year’s developmental keeper pause NOT. If this guy isn’t the worst I don’t know who is.

High Five Harry: And don't forget that D-Mac was his first round pick last year, at 1.1. Think of everyone he passed over. And everyone makes fun of Brett for calling it a rebuilding year at the start of the draft when he picked up Reggie "my game is worse than smelling Karl’s mom's bush". Only the shittiest manager says that he "is going for it" and then drafts like he's going for it in 2012.

Low Blow Larry: Yeah, he's got no fucking idea. It doesn't matter though. All of the guys he drafts are on the waiver wire by week 3 anyway. No harm, no foul.

High Five Harry: He's bad, but what about DJ Floundizzle? A third grader who yells out quotes from that book everybody poops could come up with better names for a team. Passing the pylon? Wtf. Put me in coach! You’ve got to be shitting me. The only one that ever came close to the truth was nasty in the making. But then I read it again and realized he meant dynasty. Fail.

Low Blow Larry: Horrible team names. “Passing the pylon.” Why doesn’t he just call his team “Touchdown?” That’s bad, but not as bad as what this guy has done on the trade market. Going “all in” and being mathematically eliminated the next week is number one on the “Bonehead Moves of The League” hosted by Mario Lopez on VH1 this Saturday. But the guy does have a championship under his belt. The name is on the trophy. That is huge. His fall from grace has been epic. But he can’t be the worst; he’s got a ring.

What about Darth Vader? This guy is The League’s father (raspy voice), but owns the rights to at least seven of The League’s first-born children due to trades where he has kicked other owners square in the gonads.

High Five Harry: I guess it depends on what you mean by worst manager. He finishes strong every year, but he has the reputation of a fucking snake oil salesman. It doesn't matter, though. I think the whole things going to implode on him this year. If Brandon Marshall gets suspended he only has two legit keepers and my moneys on portis legs to fall off.

Low Blow Larry: Yeah, that guy needs to check his ego at the draft door this year for sure. But does being a prick make you the worst manager in the league?

High Five Harry: It might.

Low Blow Larry: With a heavyweight belt around his waste for the 2006 season it be tough to make that classification, but we’ve done odder things in The Drunk Tank.

Not much to say about James Dearman, except that he is stuck in “I make the playoffs every year but don’t have enough testicular fortitude to do anything when I get there” mode. What was up with the Addai trade? Addai sucks, but he could have gotten more for him.

High Five Harry: Yeah James is definitely the slutty bridesmaid of the league. Always a bridesmaid and gives it up for cheap even when he doesn't have to. But this isn't about who has the loosest asshole in our fantasy league. So let's move on to one of the favorites for the Worst Manager title - Brett (who also has the loosest asshole in our fantasy league since he has family sized shampoo bottles and way too much time on his hands)

Low Blow Larry: Geez High Five, this is a family station. With that said, you’re right. Brett aka Brettzky aka the Green Apple Shampoo lover is one of the weakest owners The League has. Reggie Bush sums up his ownership. Bush and Brett are a lot a like. Great physical specimens with rocks for brains. The one difference, Bush was promising coming out of college, while Brett’s team was a stillbirth. Definitely an option.

High Five Harry: Yeah I think it's a deadheat between Brett and Jon for worst team in the League. But I want to make some waves real quick. I think its possible that Radcliffe is the worse than both of those dickwads.

Low Blow Larry: Whoa there, High Five. Look at the scoreboard.

High Five Harry: I know I know. But you know what? If any of the other owners had 8 hours a day to research fantasy stuff, they'd probably be contenders too. i pray for the members of our air force every day because one of the guys that made their plane cares more about what sleeper rookie wide receivers then if the engine is screwed on. And if you put everyone on an equal playing field Radcliffe’s stock goes way down. And he's also neck and neck with Jon for the gayest name award.

Low Blow Larry: His name is highly gay. And before Purple Jesus he sucked. This guy shouldn't be put on a pedestal because he talked his little buddy into taking Thomas Jones.

There is a big case for Mike. This league is all about banter and shit talkin. He lacks in that department. Not to mention I get sympathy pains for that shit he calls a team.

High Five Harry: Yeah, I don't even know if I want to waste that much time talking about Mike because he won't read this anyway, and nothing we say ever seems to help. and it doesn't help that his "buddy" burke follows him around just waiting for another chance to fuck him in the ass.

And speaking of shit talkers, it's a shame we don't give points for that because then that big-mouth named Llyod would be the only person with his name on the trophy. but instead, he just spends the entire season writing checks with his mouth that his ass can't cash, and he has shitty finishes every year.

Low Blow Larry: Lloyd Kraus might be the worst owner in the history of fantasy football not just The League. Who blows up there team 3 week in and then try to make a run for it after the fact? Lloyd. Who makes drunk trades? Lloyd. Who has a sexual fixation with Brett? Lloyd. All that spells out WORST.

High Five Harry: Yeah Lloyd and Brett's sexual tension can make this league really awkward sometimes.

Low Blow Larry: But at least Lloyd drafts his own teams. Karl had to bring in a relief pitcher last year. I give credit to Karl's best finish to VK. Lets face it Karl got lucky. His team was bad last year. He didn't belong in the playoffs let alone the championship game.

High Five Harry: And Karl would tell you that it was his trades and not VK that won him the season. But everyone knows that's bullshit. If Karl was smart he would have bought a lotto ticket on the day he made it into the championship game, cause that's probably the best thing that's ever going to happen to him. You hear that Karl? It’s all downhill from hear. But enough about having a shitty start and ass lucking your way to the championship. Let's talk about having a shitty start and having a shitty season. Ladies and faggos, I give you Mr Sean Scogin.

Low Blow Larry: The beginners luck has worn off. He came out on fire and much like the hand jobs he offers this thing ended messy. He is destined to be in the middle of the pack forever. His podcast was great, but other than that he is nonexistent in regards to trash talkin.

High Five Harry: Sean lucked out when his keeping randy moss gamble worked out, but that's the only reason he won that year. Last year his true colors came out: keeping Whitten over reggie Wayne and his first round pick of none other than Julius Jones. End of story.

Low Blow Larry: I think the name DBagPoloHorses speaks for itself. Blayne is definitely in the running for worst owner. How do you not patch things together with one of the best fantasy football running backs in the history of fantasy football? Then his recent trades don't make much sense also. He won't see his name on the trophy anytime soon.

High Five Harry: Low Blow, I think you just sold me on Blayne. He's had the best keepers every year and not been able to put up anything around it. How can you have Brady and LT 2 years in a row and not even make a showing in the playoffs. Plus he just traded his best keeper away to Lloyd for chicken feed. He's a bigger dissapointment then settling for a hand job on prom night.

Low Blow Larry: An unorthodox pick, Blayne’s playoff blue balls seal the deal. Congrats Blayne, you’ve won The League’s Worst Owner Award.

High Five Harry: With that said we’re all out of time today. Tomorrow we’re on location with Marshawn Lynch at local Buffalo gun range. This is High Five Harry and Low Blow Larry saying keep it shitty League!

True Fantasy Story: The League

Origin of The League

By Brian Burke

Since it’s inaugural season in 2005, The League has been mired in controversy, beer, and verbal combat. However, The League’s beginnings were humble. In the first installment of “True Fantasy Story: The League,” we delve into how this phenomenon got started.

In the summer of 2003, fourteen members of the Texas Gamma Chapter of Sigma Phi Epsilon entered battle in SigEp Pigskin 2K3. Seven team owners in The League honed their skills in this friendly low stakes game. At the end of the season two owners from The League found themselves at the top of the heap of fantasy rubble. Jon Provost and Brian Burke finished in first and second place. In 2004, the SigEp men clashed for fantasy dominance once again with nine of The League’s owners playing a huge part in how things panned out. Two owners of The League found themselves in the top three once again. Burke claimed the second place trophy for a second year in a row while Karl Augspurger snagged third place with his team “Iplaysoccerdamnit.” Augspurger’s name goes down in history as one of the worst team names fantasy football has ever seen.

The format differed greatly from the parameters The League currently follows. SigEp Pigskin 2K3 had 14 owners, while SigEp Pigskin (2004) had 16 owners. Both leagues were also drafted online.

The SigEp leagues, although amusing, were nothing compared to what was ahead of these nine fantasy football followers. With the addition of a young Blayne Rhynsburger, a roommated Michael McCain, and the subtraction of Brett “I lived in Hawaii at the time” Johnston The League went into the 2005 season ten owners strong. The current chemistry between these league owners is at such a high level that it is hard to believe that Rich Gola, champion of SigEp Pigskin (2004), was actually asked to be an owner. One would assume he would have dropped like a fly after the 2005 season, but it is hard for one to stomach the fact that the landscape could be very different today if this transaction took place.

The inaugural season of The League was that of epic proportions and was a great building block for what was to come in the future. The draft was held in a manner that none of the owners had ever experienced. They called it…the boardroom. Dining room tables and sofas were moved to make a college apartment look like an NFL war room on draft day. This setup still exists today when that fateful day in August rolls around. The draft proceeded in a serpentine manner. Some highlights included, Tom Brady picked at spot number five by Lloyd Kraus and Rhynsburger wearing a Manu Ginobili jersey. (Spurs Football also goes down in The League history as one of the worst names ever). In it’s first season, The League was not a keeper league. Moving into 2006, the ten owners would start from scratch all over again.

The inaugural season ended with Provost being crowned the first ever champion of The League. Provost’s winning team was led by Larry Johnson and Carson Palmer. Ben Findley experienced his highest finish yet with a second place title. His fall from grace will be depicted in an upcoming installments of “True Fantasy Story: The League.” The cleverly named, “The Floating Chairs,” owned by Burke, claimed third place. A promising career in The League was evident from the get go for Burke.

The League is not just a competitive feeding frenzy for fantasy football dominance. It has grown into a way to keep in touch with friends far far away and keeps our significant others annoyed during football season, which is always amusing. The League’s growth from its’ inaugural season and SigEp beginnings is impressive and will be depicted in future installments of “True Fantasy Story: The League.” Good night my fellow owners.

Brian Burke has been the Commissioner of The League since it’s inception in 2005. Burke owns the Super Bowl Sex Romp and pisses excellence. The SBSR won the championship in 2006 and have finished in the top three every year The League has been in existence.

Hail Caesar

By David Radcliffe

As reigning league champ I thought I would start off the new year with some recollections from 2008 and expectations for 2009. First, during this past season after several seasons of being a bottom feeder, I came to the realization that, much like how it is necessary for Findley to use roofies in order to get laid, I must make trades in this league in order to win. So I would like acknowledge the fellow owners that made trades with me which lead to my ultimate triumph. Furthermore, I would like to extend thanks to Flounder, who's second round pick for Roddy White truly made my season and essentially I upgraded my second round because of it. So Flounder, should you be wanting anymore wide receivers, I got more stacked up. Stacked up like hookers in the back of Ted Kennedy's Buick. Dead ones. You might say I have a whole market of receivers, maybe even a flea market or may go as far as a minimall (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3oHpup-pk) of wide receivers.

So what can you expect from the Tron Special in 2009 you ask? Well, since my name is forever etched on our glorious trophy and I have sipped from the cup of fantasy greatness that many of you poor desperate creatures will never experience (yes talking to you lloyd), you can expect deceit, hatred, and the utmost level of absurdities regarding all things fantasy football. Let it be known that Adrian Peterson has upgraded his diet from eating the smaller, malnourished Somalian babies to the fatter German ones. He is hungry, beware, Bitches.

Tron.

Power Rankings: The Bottom of the Barrel (12-10)

By Ben Findley

This is the first of a four-part article of my ranking of each teams keepers from worst to first. I had originally wanted to do this as one big article but my laptop blew up and writing this at work is more time consuming than I thought it would be. These ranking are strictly my opinion and are based on these factors: I give lots of weight to elite RB's and QB's, placing goes to a judgment call as to which squad I would rather have, I also relied heavily on the updated positional fantasy ranking on CBS Sportsline and give these rankings in parenthesis next to each player. Alot of these teams are very close so I have divvied them up into "tiers." This is my best guess as to who you will keep, if I am dead wrong on your team you can either keep it a secret or you can dispute it in the "comments" section. So without further ado here is the bottom three.

The Euthanasia All-Stars

Pull the plug already

12.) Platinum Playas, Manager- Mike McCain

QB- Ben Roethlisberger (14)

RB- Ryan Grant (19)

RB- Marshawn Lynch (15)

Dev- Fred Jackson (47)

On the Bubble: Eddie Royal (17), Antonio Bryant (21)

There’s no way to put this nicely, this team is in a state of irreversible disrepair and it’s all that bastard Brian Burke's fault, as he has performed “trade-rape” on Mike multiple times now. Mike, this isn’t your fault, but it’s time to realize that Brian doesn’t love you or care about you, he is just a monster that doesn’t care who he ruins on his way to the top, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Here at “The Rabble Rouser” we are starting group therapy sessions for victims of Brian’s rapes, and we hope Jon and Mike can come and share their stories, as painful as they might be.

Ben Roethlisberger is a straight up fantasy bust, Ryan Grant is well on his way, and to add insult to injury promising stud rookie WR Eddie Royal finished the season in a “firm kick to the nuts” 20^th amongst wr’s, making him ineligible for developmental keeper status by a mere 1.8 points. Sorry Mike, rules is rules; I didn’t write em, Burke did. Are you sensing a pattern here? There is one bright spot on this team in Marshawn Lynch, although it’s never good when your best player pleads guilty to gun charges.

The Go Fish Division

Peter: “You got a RB1?”

Karl: “No, Go Fish.”

11.) 1^st Place Losers, Manager- Peter Healey

QB- Jay Cutler (5)

RB- Ronnie Brown (25)

WR- Larry Fitzgerald (1)

Dev- Donnie Avery (38)

On the Bubble: Wes Welker (12)

10.) Turd Burglers, Manager- Karl Augspurger

QB- Aaron Rodgers (6)

RB- Thomas Jones (17)

WR- Andre Johnson (2)

Dev- Jordy Nelson (NR)

On the Bubble: Cedric Benson (33), Jamal Lewis (36)

These teams are both in the same relative situations. Both have elite WR’s, impressive young QB’s, and pathetic excuses for RB1’s (I am assuming Thomas Jones comes crashing back to earth). I give the edge to Karl because Peter’s QB:

A.) Has Diabeetus

B.) Is a spokesperson for McDonald’s

C.) Is disliked by his fans and new coach

D.) Is likely to lose his best WR, Brandon “Chief Slapahoe” Marshall, to a hefty suspension.

Thats all for now, expect 9-7 in the next few days.

Ben Findley is an original contributor to The Rabble Rouser and is the manager of “Tom Brady and the Queer Pizzas.” All opinions expressed in this column do reflect the opinion of this periodical and its affiliates.

The Commish's Corner

By Brian Burke

Welcome to "The Commish’s Corner!" This is where you will find league news and my point of view on the on goings in our beloved union of fantasy football owners.

When I saw the email about a blog for The League, my fantasy juices started to flow. I read the first post and noticed it was a Brett and Burke bash session with a little bit of Jon bashing sprinkled on top. I instantaneously loved it and look forward to more posts from a guy that is a notorious bottom feeder whose Creole, redneck, and hippy influence have suffocated his ability to succeed in the world of The League. (Sorry Lloyd. Had to come out swinging.)

The above mentioned “The Commish’s Corner” will be one of two blog posts that come from the desk of Brian Burke. The second post will contain moments from the history of The League since it’s inaugural season in 2005 and will go under the heading “True Fantasy Story: The League.”

With that said, I’ll make the first “Corner” short and sweet and end it here. I love all of you and enjoy the time we share fantasizing football, except you Ben. I commend Benjamin and Lloyd on a great idea, and I hope to contribute as best I can.

Brian Burke has been the Commissioner of The League since it’s inception in 2005.

Burke owns the Super Bowl Sex Romp and pisses excellence. The SBSR won the championship in 2006 and have finished in the top three every year The League has been in existence.

Tip O' the Hat, Wag O' the Finger

by Lloyd Kraus

Shit. Yes, that is the first word of this entire column, so don’t say that nobody ever warned you. Welcome one and all to “Tip O’ the Hat, Wag O’ the Finger,” a perspective that will be similar to “Cheers and Jeers” if you are familiar with TV Guide, or “Good Idea, Bad Idea” if you need an Animaniacs reference (Peter). Without further ado, let’s get to tipping and wagging:

Tip O’ the Hat to Brett for trade fucking the League’s Fuhrer. If 4 years in this league has taught us anything, it’s that our scoring system favors the strong qb, and Kurt Warner is definitely that for now. Shit, he was the 5th overall high scoring player this year and you got him for a second rounder. That’s like trading him for Lee fucking Evans. In all likelihood though, there was some consideration not mentioned in the trade announcement, like letting Brian blow you too. A mouth’s a mouth, right?

Wag O’ the Finger to Burke for getting trade fucked by The League’s village idiot. Brett is the most impossible manager to deal with and he will not agree to a trade unless it’s totally lopsided in his favor. If he even seems interested in an offer you make, then you are giving up way too much. You of all people should know this. And now your keeper status rides on Brandon Marshall not beating his girlfriend. I’d feel more confident betting on Brett giving up Totinos.

Tip O’ the Hat to Burke for accumulating so many draft picks, 4 in the first two rounds is it? You have officially fucked this league so hard and so many times that we love you and will let you get away with anything as long as you make us feel safe in your strong arms. And you do make us feel safe, until the draft. Then our asses start hurting.

Tip O’ the Hat to Karl for making it to the League Championship with that skeleton crew that VK drafted. Your good moves and good fortune took you far, and it also made me realize how much time I’m wasting researching for fantasy football. So this next season, while all you assholes are making your cheat sheets and running through your mock drafts, I’m going to be eating cheetohs and watching porn. Then at the draft, I’m going to hire a homeless guy to make my picks so I can sit in the other room, drink beer, eat cheetohs and watch porn. Time will tell who has the better season, but I promise you that I’ll have a more productive draft and just as good of chance of winning this thing as anyone.

Tip O’ the Hat to Burke for getting away with Roethlis-gate ’08, a scandal that rocked our league but has somehow gone unmentioned since its squirting-vaginaesqe climax last fall. If you recall, Brian had seduced Mike into giving him his first rounder for the once studly but now lowly Ben Roethlesberger. Once this trade was proposed, a small band of anonymous managers pipe bombed the deal bin-Laden style. After the shit storm that followed, Burke emerged with Mike’s 2nd pick and a great deal of resentment against the rogue managers. But in the end, Burke still managed to rip off another unsuspecting owner, as Ben “Knievel” Roethlesberger finished the season outside of the top 15 fantasy qbs and is pre-ranked outside the top 12 qbs next year.

Wag O’ the Finger to Jon and his high-value, half-assed playoff push at the end of the season. Being all but mathematically eliminated, Jon traded Dave his 2nd round pick and Plaxico Burress (pre-dumbfuck leg shooting) for Roddy White. The next week, Jon lost and was officially eliminated from playoff contention. The pick he traded away ended up being the 2.3 and an inside source reports that Roddy White will not be a part of “Passing the Pylon” or whatever retarded phrase his team is named this year. Even Jon’s dog can do that math. Also, a Tip O’ the Hat to Radcliffe for accepting that deal as fast as he could.

And finally, another Tip O’ the Hat to Radcliffe for winning it all. I think we should add another $10 to the league entry fee, and put an ad on Craigslist to buy a midget to wear a shock caller and carry around the champion’s trophy around behind him. Then, if anyone ever questioned Dave’s fantasy prowess, he could just press the shock button so that the midget jumped up and down with his trophy above his head. It would also be cool if he carried around a backpack with beer in it.


Lloyd Kraus is an original contributor to The Rabble Rouser and the manager of “BwettWuvsWittleBoys.” All opinions expressed in this column do reflect the opinion of this periodical and its affiliates.

Welcome to The Rabble Rouser

Greetings esteemed managers of The League,

Lloyd and I were kicking around the idea of creating a weekly newsletter for The League when it hit us that a blog be the most effective way to get this accomplished. The plan as of now is to provide as much preseason content as we feel is neccessary, then when the season gets going we should be adding articles at least twice a week. Much like FUBU this is for us and by us so please don't be shy on feedback with regards to what you would like to see on the site. And if you'd like to contribute please contact Lloyd and myself via email.

-Ben